The Haynes book of Twoddle

[SteveCat]

We all know how the manuals make it sound so easy,cos the mofo writing them isnt the guy who did the strip down,and he is probably off skiing in the Alps at your time of reading!

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, especially as you are now gazing at the worrying innards of an automatic gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into..

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (extra large).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Where did that go??"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: Pliers required to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Granny could do that. So how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number. But you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this, aren't you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect me to ride it afterwards.
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice: "Yes as I thought. Going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to hurt yourself.

Haynes: Remove retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply strong heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got BluTac around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations or notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes directly above the brake lines, fuel pipes, etc.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. Can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various objects in your garage afire. Also handy for igniting grease.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16AF or 12mm socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disks, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG 4X2 TIMBER: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 5 years ago and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.


Tooooo truuuuuue

Steve

[Coxy]

that's superb, and soooo correct!

[Emjay]

that is absolutey bang on, classic writing

[Micky]

i have a haines manual tells you everything you don't want to know.and the things you are looking for ain't in it.

[Baggee]

Lmao....I used mine today to check i was changing the clutch cable properly. Good job I'm mechanically trained. Haynes must have asked a guy in the pub, coz they missed out half the info and had obviously never tackled it themselves lol

[john johnson]

sounds very familiar, we were taking the fuel lines and tank out of the samba rallye last night ( its a group b spec tarmac jobby )as its been stood for years and dodgy
Said Haynes maualhighligts two bolts and a triangular bracket. Sender unit merely rotates out and undo the usual breather / filler necks
Matt attacked the fillers....no probs
sender unit totally rusted solid and eventually persuaded out
two bolts eventually out and one shears!
the tank should then slide out.....it forgets to mention taking the bloody exhaust off to get it out! If we take that off that will fall apart and we dont want that as its going for a custom stainless! ROUND 1 to the samba! After all that faffing about with the fuel line and refitting it, cleaning the carb out i wander in to et an earful from her indoors for being out til 9.30pm ......that was not in the manual either

[Nigel Conniford]

Still having fun then John

[john johnson]

NO ! matt was pulling his hair out in the end, impressed with the suspension tho, even when jacked up , it never moved a jot. Its a proper little thug! I found some in car footage on youtube ( and then lost it ) of one on a tarmac rally , they are very very very quick.........brown trousers for the navvy when matty gets behind the wheel me thinks

[Baggee]

Originally Posted by john johnson

sounds very familiar, we were taking the fuel lines and tank out of the samba rallye last night ( its a group b spec tarmac jobby )as its been stood for years and dodgy
Said Haynes maualhighligts two bolts and a triangular bracket. Sender unit merely rotates out and undo the usual breather / filler necks
Matt attacked the fillers....no probs
sender unit totally rusted solid and eventually persuaded out
two bolts eventually out and one shears!
the tank should then slide out.....it forgets to mention taking the bloody exhaust off to get it out! If we take that off that will fall apart and we dont want that as its going for a custom stainless! ROUND 1 to the samba! After all that faffing about with the fuel line and refitting it, cleaning the carb out i wander in to et an earful from her indoors for being out til 9.30pm ......that was not in the manual either

Did you have an earful coz you came in too early lol

[john johnson]

seems like it, bit later and she would have been in bed!