Fridays Funny

[Booty]

Made me cackle this one.

How to give a cat a tablet........

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from the hearth and set to one side to
repair later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab.
Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road.
Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to casualty,
sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnant from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How to Give a Dog a Pill?

1. Wrap it in bacon.